maybe it's because i don't need to. or want to.
but then again every once in a while i remember it and think perhaps it would be good for me to articulate how i am feeling. i usually write cryptically, which confuses my past when i look back. i recall the emotions i felt to a certain extent but never the exact situation. who i am talking about. i would worry about sounding poetic, i remember, which is silly. then again i am a fairly silly person. one who is too tired to encode her life against herself anymore. i've decided to be less guarded.
right now,i feel pretty strangely. it could be the double espresso, or chocolate covered coffee beans, or the combination. or the things my mind has been dwelling on.
i had a bit of an episode this week. i've been in a depression for quite sometime. really, a year or two, i would say. save for a couple of manic episodes and the period around the end of this summer, around when i got married, when i was happy and hopeful and entirely pleased. then the loss set it, i think. not that i regret getting married. i don't. i need grounding and t. certainly does that. he loves me as well. which i also need. and his family loves me as well. such that i can actually tell and it occurs to me that i've not been able to tell someone loved me until now.
the loss is loss of possibility i suppose. i feel strangely about abandoning half my sexual identity. especially since i wasn't able to understand or acknowledge it wholly until i was already with t. of course, i had had girlfriends and sexual experiences with women, but my actual sexuality didn't make much sense until very recently and now i sometimes feel like i am unable to express it. i worry that i will always be frustrated by it. i do find solace in reading lesbian history and theory, and it's not that i want to be with a woman specifically - in fact i am not currently attracted to any women and have not been for quite some time - nor is it the case that i am unsatisfied with t. (sort of), it's more that i want to identify myself as a lesbian. impossible when married to a man, i think.
there is also the question of monogamy. not sex. rather, the problem of love for others who aren't t.. love that is similar in kind to the love i feel for t.. i've had to distance myself from certain people for fear of expressing it, as it feels distinctly like a type of love that one should have for her husband only, if she has one. but also not. i don't want to be married to these people. it's so completely confusing. i don't know how to interact with them anymore. it is beyond a friendship for me, but it is not a sexual attraction, still it feels like a betrayal of my marriage. there is also the danger of accidently leading someone on. i also find it interesting that these relationships are all with men.
my episode consisted of anxiety like i've never experienced which precluded the writing of a paper. among other things. so i went to the doctor who prescribed me a rather intense anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. i've also started seeing a counselor. i am worried thought that i won't be able to discuss everything i need to with this counselor as so much that weighs on me has to do with my concerns over my sexuality and love, which i don't feel comfortable talking about with anyone. we'll mostly stick to my self-esteem and traumatic childhood. i suppose the rest i can work through myself.