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Nov. 29th, 2008

time and time and time

i never remember to post.

maybe it's because i don't need to. or want to.

but then again every once in a while i remember it and think perhaps it would be good for me to articulate how i am feeling. i usually write cryptically, which confuses my past when i look back. i recall the emotions i felt to a certain extent but never the exact situation. who i am talking about. i would worry about sounding poetic, i remember, which is silly. then again i am a fairly silly person. one who is too tired to encode her life against herself anymore. i've decided to be less guarded.

right now,i feel pretty strangely. it could be the double espresso, or chocolate covered coffee beans, or the combination. or the things my mind has been dwelling on.

i had a bit of an episode this week. i've been in a depression for quite sometime. really, a year or two, i would say. save for a couple of manic episodes and the period around the end of this summer, around when i got married, when i was happy and hopeful and entirely pleased. then the loss set it, i think. not that i regret getting married. i don't. i need grounding and t. certainly does that. he loves me as well. which i also need. and his family loves me as well. such that i can actually tell and it occurs to me that i've not been able to tell someone loved me until now.

the loss is loss of possibility i suppose. i feel strangely about abandoning half my sexual identity. especially since i wasn't able to understand or acknowledge it wholly until i was already with t. of course, i had had girlfriends and sexual experiences with women, but my actual sexuality didn't make much sense until very recently and now i sometimes feel like i am unable to express it. i worry that i will always be frustrated by it. i do find solace in reading lesbian history and theory, and it's not that i want to be with a woman specifically - in fact i am not currently attracted to any women and have not been for quite some time - nor is it the case that i am unsatisfied with t. (sort of), it's more that i want to identify myself as a lesbian. impossible when married to a man, i think.

there is also the question of monogamy. not sex. rather, the problem of love for others who aren't t.. love that is similar in kind to the love i feel for t.. i've had to distance myself from certain people for fear of expressing it, as it feels distinctly like a type of love that one should have for her husband only, if she has one. but also not. i don't want to be married to these people. it's so completely confusing. i don't know how to interact with them anymore. it is beyond a friendship for me, but it is not a sexual attraction, still it feels like a betrayal of my marriage. there is also the danger of accidently leading someone on. i also find it interesting that these relationships are all with men.

my episode consisted of anxiety like i've never experienced which precluded the writing of a paper. among other things. so i went to the doctor who prescribed me a rather intense anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. i've also started seeing a counselor. i am worried thought that i won't be able to discuss everything i need to with this counselor as so much that weighs on me has to do with my concerns over my sexuality and love, which i don't feel comfortable talking about with anyone. we'll mostly stick to my self-esteem and traumatic childhood. i suppose the rest i can work through myself.

Jul. 1st, 2008

there isn't that many

things are not falling apart as much any more.
i have not been feeling well lately.
but i've started to accomplish things again slowly.
i think it's because i've been too sporadic.
that is, inconsistent.
taking it without water.

May. 14th, 2004

(no subject)

you know you are overly exhausted when you cry because outside at 7 o'clock today was just so beautiful and perfect.
i heard answers i didn't want and i've decided that i don't want to be alone anymore.

Apr. 13th, 2004

(no subject)

my five year plan now includes two children named jack and bela.they will be boys.
they could be of feline or human persuassion.

Apr. 11th, 2004

punk rock medium.

there was a bird on my window sill this morning, very early, with not much sleep in me i awoke to see it about to hop into my room via the screenless open window. i shooed it away with my foot and my toe touched it a little and i screamed.
which is weird, because i love birds. maybe just not when they are about to come into my house and probably peck out my eyes or eat my liver. and i thought that maybe touching it with my foot would only prevoke its rage, which im assuming it had due to its jealousy that i have hands and it can't pick things up. little do birds know we all envy them flight.

i started my new painting.
i'm completely out of cigarettes and food and clean clothes and probably toilet paper. i could go get some but i'm tired.

i can see approximately seventeen million buds on the trees outside my window. if the bird came back now i'd let him come in.
sorry mr.bird.


Apr. 1st, 2004

a lady, some scissors, and a universal vendetta with my name on it.

i just got the worst hair cut in the world.
it could not be more scenester if it tried...but rather than fighting if..i've decided to become a sceneslut.
who's with me?

(obligatory over exposed sceneslut photo:)

ta da!

those backyard industrial shockwaves:like honey to my ears with almost none in my hair.

i don't know anyone named olof.
i started my play last night
this is the first line:

Artist: be safe she said and we glided on by, with hip thighs throbbing slowly and buttercup hands reaching back for the moment we could not touch again. There is none but safety in mothers arms and suckling breast and bare sweet hands that place the vase where flowers kept-keep me whole, keep me low, keep me knowing I am home. And she is the devil, and I am her toy to tempt and cast off. And she is the beauty my life ticks to, with unglowing moon stretched shadows of early spring bare trees and feet deep in grass. I could love her, if I could only tell mother.

(it all gets better from there)

i also don't know anyone named chuck. i hope this never changes.

(no subject)

malcolm escaped.
calamity ensued. i gave him kisses, told him i loved him, hugged him and asked him to never do it again, if he could help it and i think he can.
staying here means a lot, it also means not a lot.
it also means i can't stop loving the poems sunflower sutra and america right now.
me staying here actually has nothing do to do with that.
someone come brighten my day and walk down the river with me. the whole way...i've never followed it..i'm willing to try. and i know i can't go the whole way..but most. i think there's a path, maybe i won't take the path. maybe i want to swim in the river. but its gross. i wish it weren't infected and disgusting.
i promise to be more friendly.
i promise to go outside more.
i promise to sleep less of my days away.
i promise to write 16 million poems, atleast in my head, by the time i die.
i promise to finish my play soon.
i promise to say what i mean a little more often.
i promise to buy socks and wear them.
i promise to save money instead of spending it like it doesn't matter, even though it doesn't.
i promise to settle down.
i promise to make up my mind.
i promise to find ten things a day to smile about. maybe ten things an hour.
i promise to call my mummy atleast once every other day.
i promise to spend more money on books than clothes.
i promise to eat less pizza and more broccoli.
i promise to visit my grandmother once a week.
i promise to go to university...one day.

thats all i can think of right now.
its been that kind of week..
i'm not tired.
but i am a little hot..my window is open, i'm still in my uniform.
thats all right now.

Mar. 31st, 2004

i am dull and so are my words.

and137 for24 be12
i131 not23 like12
to87 is23 an11
a75 what20 very11
you59 on20 are11
the58 we16 god11
x56 with16 which11
do40 much16 one11
of37 me16 so11
in36 but15 shape11
my34 this14 about10
that29 felt14 then10
your29 beretta14 think10
have28 or14 want10
it28 danger14 at10
all26 don't12 love10
LJ Word Count (Beta!) by hutta


I adopted a cute lil' emo fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

(no subject)

yesterday i forgot to go to work.
the spring is here, but it is gray and damp.
i wish i had more to say these days, but i don't. boring lives breed boring minds and even more boring journal entries...apparently.

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